As I get older, this time of year has gotten more challenging to navigate. Like an extreme, unavoidable reminder of how emotionally and physically distant our small extended family is. When Ben was younger, I think I spent this time mostly crafting the overwhelming holiday spirit—buying too many toys, baking too many cookies, and working to maintain the belief in Santa. There was also more effort from everyone to gather back then.

He’ll be 13 soon and there isn’t as much of this frantic busyness associated with the holiday. There are no more gatherings, there are increasingly absent grandparents, there’s a general refusal of travel. It’s leaving too much free time to sit with these unproductive, longing thoughts of a closer, more involved family.

While I’ve been aware of this late-year grumpiness for a few years now, it never fails to take me by surprise. I have been busy with work and overall thought I was managing OK without thinking too much about it directly. But like with so many things, the avoidance caught up with me. Despite having an ideal Christmas Eve morning, something I haven’t been able to get for years because of my surgeries, I caught myself feeling deeply sad again.

Maybe it was having to overhear everyone’s exciting plans while out and about, maybe it was seeing too many joyful social media pics, maybe it was remembering that Christmas is at risk of feeling like any other day here, or maybe it was realizing that very few cards or texts have been sent or received. Either way, I think the main thing I want to focus on is that I caught myself from slipping too far into this.

Ultimately, I’m very grateful for this small (in numbers, not height) family and the incredible year we were able to pull off together. We’ve had each other’s backs through the challenging stuff and celebrated our wins. We learned more about ourselves and each other. We’ve each grown individually, but also together. It’s easy to assume that larger families are happier, but my experience growing up shows this isn’t always true. I really hope 2024 is the last time I have to have this revelation and can use this energy on the three of us, solidifying our traditions.